A Personal Battle, A Proud Heart and A Prayer

Have you ever felt depressed at one point of your life? July to August last year (2013), when I felt so depressed, as much as I want to be optimistic and look at beautiful things instead, it doesn’t just work. I know, I’ve always been positive, I am a dreamer, I’m go-getter, I have faith in God, I believe that God has a great plan for my life, He has a purpose for everything, He is in control. I don’t usually allow problems and struggles to affect me for a long time; I just don’t like meditating on problems, so I always lift it up to God immediately in prayer and worship, then I’m okay, I meditate on God’s promises in the Bible, and I’m fine. God usually restores me and bring me back to life the same day or week. But this time it’s different, it lingers, it actually took months… The depression started with unmet expectations from God, from a prayer that was answered the way I don’t expect it to be. I cannot understand God, I expect a “yes”, but His answer is not a clear “wait” or “no” in short God answer is the opposite. I tried to wrestle with Him, I insisted on what I want, on what I thought is best for me, and felt like I deserved a “yes,” I’m so proud, as if God owes me something because all this time, I think I obeyed Him, waited for Him, so I He must say “yes”, I forgot about the grace of God, I’m so proud.

18002114On being depressed, I woke up with a sad heart, I felt empty. In spite of the emptiness, I continue my daily morning quiet time, pray, read His Word, hoping that this will make me feel better, but no, it doesn’t help, maybe I’m just spending quiet time with God for the sake of doing it, but my heart is really not into hearing God. I continue attending Sunday services, prayer meeting, victory group and worship night, I even fast and pray, hoping that I will encounter God in the presence of other believers. Yeah, I felt His presence when I’m church, but driving home, I feel so alone, hurt, fearful, worried and nervous, feeling so anxious of my future. I feel like God is so distant, I know He is not absent, but He is just so far away from me. During weekends, I feel so weak, I just want to stay in bed, hide under my pillows and sleep. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, even to my family and closest friends. I feel that I’m so tired being there for them, and they can’t help, but the truth is I don’t like to admit to them what I’m actually going through, so I avoid them as much as I could. I don’t know why where all this feeling is coming from, I’m aware of it and I don’t like it. Everyday pray and ask God to remove it, but it stays and it lingers.

As how women handles problems, I decided to get a new haircut and hair color, while pampering my mane, I read this e-book from kindle “7 Most Powerful Prayers That Would Change Your Life Forever” written by Houge Adam. And yes, right in the middle of Salon, God whisper to me… No, no, I think He shout, because He’s been whispering most of the time and I can’t hear what He says… And God shouted so clear…

Stop trying to take the lead, and let me lead you. Wait on me and wait for my Word. I will speak in my own due and proper time. If you obey Me I will justify you. I seek a servant who obeys, not one who walks off while I’m talking and does His own thing. I do love you, and want to justify you. Your works cannot attain Mine, unless you let Me work through you. Only then can you see My power moving and working daily in your life. Only then can you be blessed by Me. Stop trying to bless Me, you can’t bless Me! The greater blesses the lessor. Let me bless you. Only be submissive and let Me lead you daily. – GOD (7 Most Powerful Prayers That Would Change Your Life Forever”  Adam Houge)

And I cried in repentance, in humility I admit that I’m so proud, that I know better than God. That I feel like I know what’s best for me and He don’t. I submitted, I surrendered my life to my King. I admitted that I cannot do anything independent, the truth is, I cannot be an independent princess, without the power, blessing and guidance of the King. I admitted to God, that I am limited, and He is limitless God. So I’m giving Him my life, allowing Him to take the lead. During that moment, I felt like, my Father is smiling at me saying, finally my daughter, you get the point, now I can continue to work amazingly in your life, let me lead you to a more wonderful journey !

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, – Isaiah 55:8-9